Physician, Heal Thyself
(My Very Eighteenth Newsletter)
(My Very Eighteenth Newsletter)
I often fantasize that hospitals and medical practices will hire me as a consultant. Yes, I can diagnose strep throat and urinary tract infections without labwork. I would, of course, offer those services, but I think the medical profession would be better served if I explained to every one of their employees that the people coming to see them are often terrified or in pain.
I went in for a scary blood panel at the Quest office, and when I asked a question, the technician rolled her eyes at me. I finally said,”I’m not at Bloomingdales. I’m scared.” And to her credit, she was kinder from that point forward. She didn’t apologize though, because the number one rule for these people must be “Don’t apologize.” Last year when I was having my wrist operated on, someone from the team who was prepping me just minutes before surgery said to me: "They told you about your platelets, right?” WTF? No, no one told me. And to this day, I had no idea what he was talking about. But even if I had only one platelet left, telling me right before surgery was unhelpful.
The list goes on.
I went to a doctor, “The best in his field (ahem)” for years who was not in our then government HMO–so I had to pay no less than 800 dollars for ten minutes of his time, four times a year. No matter what time the appointment was, I was forced to sit in a freezing exam room for ninety minutes before he would examine me. There was never an apology. I’m happy to say that my new doctor is reasonably prompt and takes insurance.
I have more stories and I’m sure you do, too.
I don’t think these are bad people. I just think they forget (and maybe they have to to keep themselves mentally healthy) that no one wants to be there. It’s rare that you are going to the doctor expecting to hear good news or to feel like you got your money’s worth. Many of these medical professionals answer to a calling, and they are doing God’s work, as they say. Their knowledge and expertise is obviously critical, but it costs these people nothing to say a kind word.
Distractions
Snacks
One of you all wrote to me about the fabulousness of The Trader Joe’s Sour Cream and Onion Flavored Rings. And I must agree. The sour cream and onion chip, which seemed exotic during my adolescence, completely bores me. These are airier and more flavorful. Also, they are pretty low in calories so you can save room for the chocolate mousse flowers I touted last week. And for those of you who have celiac or gluten allergies ( both real and imagined), they’re gluten free.
TV
I was going to wait two weeks until the series ended but I can’t help myself. I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale because I tend to stay away from the dystopia shows, but I needed something with a ton of episodes. I’d also been reluctant to watch in the wake of the Dobbs decision and what I view as a medieval rollback in our country. But this is actually a fantastic companion piece to all that is going on right now because characters are saying the things we are thinking, and without giving anything away, some revenge fantasies are fulfilled. The acting is exquisite. I also found it easier to watch the show as I listened to the Above The Garage, The Handmaid’s Tale podcast. It felt like a book club.
Movie
If you haven’t seen Yesterday, it’s adorable. We meet Jack Malik, a struggling musician who wakes up in an alternate reality where The Beatles never existed. As he becomes the only person who remembers their music, he passes off their music as his own, catapulting him to fame. It’s so much fun.
Book
I don’t know which of Jillian Medoff’s books I should be highlighting because her oeuvre (I can’t believe I’m actually using that word in a sentence) is exceptional. But I will go with her most recent: When We We Were Bright and Beautiful because it is so timely. The story unfolds against a backdrop of wealth and privilege, where the narrator learns that her brother is accused of sexual assault. She is certain of his innocence.
Check out her other books as well. You will be shocked that they are all written by the same person. Each book is a different universe, a different writing style and new character explorations.
Jillian and I are friends, by the way. I’m not telling you this as a disclaimer. But rather as a brag. Years ago, I fangirled her on social media – even sending her a picture of me reading Hunger Point on my Honeymoon.
Something I Learned
Button, cremini and portobello mushrooms are all the same thing but at different stages of growth.
Things
As promised, our new Ruthless column is up. We give advice on what to do about dinner party hosts who give only miniscule portions.
Our next Ruthless show is May 29th. I’m so excited that Nick Griffin is our guest comic. And our celebrity guest is none other than the Tony award winning lyricist, Amanda Green. As always, we are at The New York Comedy Club on West 78th Street at 7:30 p.m. You can get your tickets right here.
Please subscribe to my podcast, Shut Up Mommy’s Talking. It’s so much fun, but you don’t even need to listen to help us with our algorithm.