TSA : This Security Sucks

( My Very Twenty- Third Newsletter)

I had a scary experience a few weeks ago. My son and I were returning from Miami. He went through the regular TSA line; I went through TSA PreCheck. In retrospect, I could have used his company, but I was carrying medication that couldn’t go through the x-ray, and I thought my pre-screening might buy me an extra layer of credibility. It was only my second flight since starting the medication, and missing a dose is apparently catastrophic. I wanted to be separated from it for as little time as possible.

I passed through the metal detector without issue and was about to collect my things when one of the agents stopped me.

“I need to pat you down,” she said through a mouth full of braces. She might have been sixteen.

I could tell she was about to launch into a speech, but I wanted to expedite whatever was coming.

“Do what you have to do,” I said.

She tried again: “We need to pat you down.”

 “Yes, go ahead.”

 “Let her speak,” boomed an older woman’s voice.

“I get it,” I said. “Just pat me down.” That’s when I noticed the girl’s “Trainee” pin. I turned to the older woman. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I said. I figured if I groveled enough, I could get my things. “Is something wrong?”

“Your bags set off an explosives alarm,” she said. “We need to detain you. We also need to pat you down again.”

“Again?”

And please, reader, don’t think less of me, but I started crying. “I have a doctor’s note,” I said.

She ignored me. “We can do this privately.”

By then, we’d already had seven PG-13 moments, so privacy didn’t feel like a priority.

“I want everyone to see this,” I said.

Reader, may I say that though I was thoroughly compliant, they were unnecessarily mean. They went through every item in my bag. I stood there, terrified I was about to be deported. Eventually, after thirty minutes, an extremely handsome explosives expert arrived and yelled at them—which was so satisfying I almost offered him a free pat-down.

Cut to two weeks later: I was flying home from Rapid City, South Dakota. The airport looked like a prototype for the set of Wings. I was thrilled to see the TSA PreCheck line was empty—though, to be fair, the regular line only had three people. I told myself this would be the speediest security experience since 9/11—as long as they don’t frisk me.

The TSA agent, who looked like a middle school principal one year from retirement, was not only handling both ID checks but also scanning all the bags and running the x-ray. But this time, she didn’t detain me. She even told me to enjoy my flight.

It was the corrective experience I needed.

Distractions

Snacks

I love Aidell’s products.  My kids are subsisting on the Andouille Sausage; I prefer the Teriyaki Pineapple Meatballs.  You’ll need a stove, a pan, and a little oil or butter but they make a great basis for a meal or a delicious snack.

TV

I was going to recommend Alias Grace because I so thoroughly loved it.  It’s a Netflix series based on a  Margaret Atwood novel of the same name.  It has huge Handmaid’s Tale vibes despite its being set in 19th century Canada rather than a dystopian present.  But then I realized that I'm already recommending a Mary Harron directed project (I watched both in preparation for interviewing her at this Tuesday's Ruthless) and I don’t want anyone to think I make these recommendations for anything other than sharing something I love.  So you get two for the price of one (which is the same price as for none). 

My other recommendation is Dept Q on Netflix.  Matthew Goode, who we remember being handsome in Downton Abbey, is handsome in this as a gruff police detective.  I also loved his partner Akram.  If you like Slow Horses, you’ll love this.  

Book 

Run–don’t walk-to get yourself a copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.  You will fall in love with Eleanor and then you will thank me.

Movie 

I never saw American Psycho, when it came out. I’m not a horror fan.  But I enjoyed this movie for its commentary on icky rich people in 1990s New York City. It was satire then.  Now, it’s almost a documentary. The cast, which includes, Christian Bale, Reese Witherspoon ,and Jared Leto  are all amazing.  I’m looking forward to asking director Mary Harron about it.  

Something I Learned

I have watched every season of House, ignorant of the fact that Hugh Laurie's character is the medical version of Sherlock Holmes.  Note that the name House is a play on the word homes, which is a homophone for Holmes. Did you guys know this? Am I the only one?